The way I express myself is always changing. Anyone who knows me knows this. As I don't see many of you anymore I thought I'd fill you in on all the catch phrases that are all the rage in my world these days.

"All the dolls and all the dogs"
Where it came from: I think it was thanksgiving and we were at Jenn's parent's house. At some point Jenn's very strange little brother went into her old room and left a very long message on her phone that started off something like this. "Hi Jenn it's me, Josh, I'm in your old room. You know the one... with all the dolls... and all the dogs... Anyway you talk a lot... I mean... a lot." Then Josh procedded to talk... a lot."
How it's used: In long lists, any time I'm describing a room.

"Who made this big mess?"
Where it came from: Apparently there was this show jenn would watch with her brothers called the big comfy couch. At the end the main charecter would say"who made this big mess?" The camera would zoom in on her. She would say "Me?" And the camera would nod. Then something called the ten second tidy would ensue.
How it's used: Whenever I'm about to clean, or theres a big mess I'd like Jenn to clean.

CLemiforate: A big fancy word that appeared in the onion's "most confusing laundry instructions" Clemiforate 
only was the funniest next to wash left only.

Methoisothiazolinone: A fancier giant word on the back of most shampoo. I felt it necisary to learn how to say
and sporatically throw into conversation. Like flexor digitorum profundus, which is a tendon in your arm.

The other day I had the best day. I was off of work and watched all these movieis I was into when I was a kid. So check this out, it might be time for you to take a trip to best buy.
Lucas-
I can't do enough to explain the realationship I have with this movie. One night a long long time ago Stven Taylor and I were having a sleepover at my house. The late late movie was Lucas. An old Cory haim movie. For those who care there is also a young Charlie sheen, wynona rider, and keri green whom you most likely remember from the goonies.(If you aren't remembering her from this.) Any how Lucas is a tiny young nerd with a creepy crush on the breathtaking maggie. Why is Maggie so beautiful? She's a heart of gold type, that is almost unbelieveable, but because of the acting she pulls it off. Unfortunantly, she doesn't fall for our hero, she falls for kindhearted football guy, charlie sheen. To prove himself to the girl, Lucas joins the football team. After annoying the coach, Lucas gets put in the game. Seeing this as a rational adult you can almost hear the insueing lawsuit of neglagence for putting this tiny frail nerd in the game. The out come is predictible as Lucas gets crushed under a pile of enormous football guys, and gets seriously injured. When lucas comes back to school, he is subject to the first slow clap ever captured on film, as one person starts, then another, and more still. The movie ends as Lucas puts on a letter jacket he found in his locker, and pumps his tiny, and very probably broken fist into the air.
Seeing this again I was surprised at how much I enjoyed watching it again. Funny parts were funny, and sweet parts were sweet, you can watch this ironically, or enjoy it as a dated classic. A-
The adventures of pete and pete.
I loved this show as a kid, and was pleased to find out I like it more now. If you didn't see it on nickelodian when you were a kid heres a break down. 
Two kids named pete. The little one has a tatoo on his forarm of a hot chick. Her name is petunia, she dances. Mom has a metal plate in her head on which they pick up radio stations. Little pete has a personally super hero, Artie, the strongest man in the world.
This show is weird. But beyond that it is beautiful. If your not going to buy it, invite me over and we'll watch it.A+
drop me a message

I'm suicidal. Thats all there is to tell. Things suck. I'm depressed, and I'm sick of feeling like this. I don't know of any good reason to wake up tomorrow, it's just going to be more of the same. More work for shitty money. More shit from my 'loved ones' . More nothing for me, while everything i have goes away.
fuck man i dont know.

you ever been so depressed you just wanna rip a vein open and wait for everything to go cold? No? oh, nevermind then, we probably dont have that much in common. My life has gone from bad to good to unbelievable, back to even worse. God has a funny sence of humor. ... If your the type that could laugh at a funeral.

I'm happy. Those of you who don't talk to me much do not know whats going on. Those of you who do still might like this. Jenn has been living with us for about five months. We've been dateing for about six. I know that isn't much time but let me explain. Jenn and I have known each other since feb. 20 th last year. At the time I was with Sabi, And although I would never cheat on anybody I was with I was worried. But Jenn had been dating this guy she was with for two years, and I figured I would be safe. I don't like temptation. I've never cheated on a girl even if I didn't like her, and I still like sabi. She's one of my favorite people. One of my good friends. Not long after I met Jenn she dumped her boyfriend. I was worried that she would dive right into another long term realation ship. She hadn't been single since highschool. And shes dated one loser after another. I already liked her a lot. I was... attracted to her. I don't know how else to say it. I was drawn to her. She was kind of a worm head when she was younger, she was a pot head when I met her. And I went to her house a few times to smoke and hang out.
As time went on things with Sabrina weren't the way they used to be. I felt guilty because of that, I liked Sabrina, but I felt like we weren't together anymore. And I was attracted to another woman. Really to the exclusion of all others. What I thought was an innocent crush was blossoming into something way more.
Sabrina and I broke up. We managed to stay friends, and i am really thankful for that.
Then my mom died.
She had been in and out of the hospital so many times since last christmas I didn't think much of it. Several doctors had told us she wouldn't leave the hospital alive. She went in again on a day I had the flu, I had called in to work. The last thing I told her was that I hoped she got better and not to take any crap from the nurses.
I was standing right there when my mom flatlined for the third time.
...
Jenn and my mom had been realy close. We had all gone shopping together, at value village. And then I took my girls to golden corral. I know it's silly but this is one of the best times I had. It was the last time that I got to go out with my mom.

Jenn and I consoled each other. We fell farther into love.

One night she told me that some guy had 'holla'd' at her in traffic. I said that I had never done that but one time I raced this girl in my volvo.
I was going to work at oshmans when I spotted the red haired girl in a volvo station wagon. I pulled up next to her. I revved my engine and burned out, I pulled in front of her and gave her the peace sign out of my sun roof. As I remembered this story, I remembered that Jenn once owned a volvo and lived out here. That was the first time I met her two years before I met her. :)
Coco is asleep right now. Coco is Jenn's poodle.

I love that little guy.
I was only working at the animal clinic part time at this point, I was working at the acadamy warhouse. But the clinic had a christmas party.
When the party was winding down Jenn said "I'm going to go smoke a cigarette."
"You don't want to do that,"
"why not?"
"ask Kathryn." Jenn looks accross the table at our friend Kathryn. Kat looks bewieldered. When she looks back at me, Im on the floor on my knees in Los Cucos in front of all our co-workers, with a ring thrust out in front of me. At first she look surprised, then... She gets this look. Our friends are starting to notice whats going on.
"Jenny, will you marry me?"
She can't speak for a moment. Tears are welling up in her eyes.
"Yes of coarse." And she huggs me. I slip the ring on her finger, and she hasn't taken it off since.

She is to date the only person that ever read my book. She believes in me and encourages me, and when she does I believe it. I love her.

I've never been this happy before, I still get down. I still have depression. But now I have hope.

"burn all the cities
and smash all the walls
this is our anthum
this nation wont fall"
bis-school disco

i thought it would be cool to have the internet again and it kinda is. What i dont like is that the time jenn and i have to spend together is now being spent with her online, and im there i guess to fix the computer if anything goes wrong. i dont really feel like it matters where i am. I could be sitting right next to her, but she's a million miles away in cyberspace finding old friends on myspace, and getting re-accuainted. Or like right now, i just got home but shes not here because she decided to go to her second job. Then i get mad because i feel ignored and she doesn't know why im mad, and i dont talk much when im angry, unless proded, then i start yelling, because i feel like if you were paying enough attention, you would know what's bothering me.

so here we are.

plus i feel like the whole world is mad at me today. I don't know how to deal with that.

Why am i writting all this?

I can't afford therapy.


bye.

hopefully tommorrow will be better

Life Is GOOD. 2007 is my year! I got my job back at the clinic making more money, cos I didn't like the pawn shop so much. I liked the money but what are you going to do? I was real worried about makeing enough to pay for an apartment myself, but jenn got a hugh raise and now I can get a job I like and make less money and just work on being happy. I'm going to work on my art, and sell it on the sode of the road! thats what I want to do.


I'm glad to hear that everyone had a good holiday and is happy. Lets all work on this thing together. If any of y'all need me call me or get to me here or e-mail me . Rollerbladezero@tokyo.com I just got the internet at the house!!!! LOVE YA!

I start a new job tomorrow at a pawn shop!
Life is good.

Last saterday I propossed to jennifer. SHE SAID YES!!!

I just started working at the academy warehouse. Christmas is coming and life is okay. meh. I've been up and down the last couple months. odds are that if you read this you haven't heard from me lately. If this is the case make more of an effort.
Seriously though I've been really busy.
gimme a call.
okay?
okay???
Where is my life going?

So I spent friday at the emergency room for my blood pressure. UGH. Appearently 160/94 wasn't anything to freak out about, although its hypertension. The doctor said I had to change to a low salt diet stop drinking soda, smokeing, and do aerobic exercize. Even though I wake up somedays with my heart beating so hard I can barely cope, I'm now supposed to go exercize.
All of which brings me to my point; doctors don't give a shit.
Even though a few minutes in the emergency room will run you probably half a thousand dollars, they still can't muster up any sort of feeling to give a good god damn.
So fuck it. I've been eating as little sodium as possible. Yesterday I had 7 cigarettes all day, and today I've only had three. Normally I smoke about a pack a day. Yesterday I only had 1 32oz soda, today I've had a can and a half. This is a drastic difference from what I normally drink.
I havn't worked out any yet.

What are the possible side effects of Effexor?
• Get emergency medical help if you have any of these signs of an allergic reaction: skin rash or hives; difficulty breathing; swelling of your face, lips, tongue, or throat.
• Contact your doctor promptly if you have any of the following side effects, especially if they are new symptoms or if they get worse: mood changes, anxiety, panic attacks, trouble sleeping, irritability, agitation, aggressiveness, severe restlessness, mania (mental and/or physical hyperactivity), thoughts of suicide or hurting yourself.
• Call your doctor at once if you have any of these serious side effects:
· feeling light-headed, fainting;
· increased blood pressure (severe headache, blurred vision);
· seizure (convulsions); or
· fast or slow heartbeat.
• Other less serious side effects are more likely to occur, such as:
· drowsiness or dizziness;
· nervousness or anxiety;
· dry mouth;
· nausea, vomiting, diarrhea, constipation;
· decreased sex drive, impotence, or difficulty having an orgasm;
· headache, blurred vision;
· sleep problems (insomnia);
· tremor or chills;
· increased sweating; or
· changes in appetite or weight.
• Side effects other than those listed here may also occur. Talk to your doctor about any side effect that seems unusual or that is especially bothersome.


Ive got really high blood pressure at this point. 161(under 120 is normal)/96 (under70 is normal) My resting pulse rate is 120. I useually eat once a day if that. I've dropped a lot of weight. Oh and I sweat all the freaking time.
But up untill recently I was a lot happier. Now though...n I don't know.
swell.

I want this on a shirt.


see ya

"What you gonna tell your dad
Its like a wheel of fortune
And what you gonna tell your dad
If this wheel lets you down"
-Ace of Base.

Life is kinda fucked up. Things aren't bad... but they aren't good either. Things get weirder and weirder. One strange conundrum leads to another.


Though it has given me sufficiant cause to wonder... do I have it in me? Or am I a really really bad man?
I never thought so, and I proven to myself that I'm not time and time again. But sometimes I wonder-- and with good reason.



In life you have to be ready for things that test you. You also have to have restraint and common sence. I wonder if I have enough of either to make a difference.


i wish I was a cat; then you'd all pay....

Everyone at work has been snippy, i dunno.
Everythings okay though. I miss sabrina/
The college I applied to didn't get my transcripts so I have to go take care of that.
I'm kinda pissed about that. But on the up side, my amazon books will be here soon.

Here's milla

I'm talking to Sabrina online!
And I saw Imran the other day!
Life is alright!

Things are going.
Not good not bad perse... But I have the desperate feeling that the world will keep changeing for the worse.
The circle of people I know will close in, closer and closer, in a clostrophobic panic.
And soon, atop one piece of cement where the rest of the universe has crumbled into void, I'll sit at a desk, and write and draw things that no one will ever read.

that said life hasn't been that bad of late, work is okay, I got a good chance of going to school next fall, things are cautiously optimistic.

Date:	2006-04-27 03:03
Subject:	fuck you, leave me alone
Security:	Public
Mood:	what the fuck do you think?

ive tried to update this thing three fucking times, each time something horrible has happened. Im fucking pissed, Im stressed im not happy I want to die, and My mom is dieing. any one got a liver? Cos Im the wrong blood type.
I got nothing more to say.

It's my birthday today!!! The day that celibrates the fact that I haven't died yet, and if you didn't know....Silent hill premiers today! Ha ha ha ha ha..... Ahhh... good stuff.

Things aren't allowed to piss me off today, today is special, HA.

Date:	2006-04-07 22:22
Subject:	fuuu...gh
Security:	Public
Mood:	depressed

I'm depressed. I feel like laying somewhere dark, and vanishing. Pretty gay huh? Work went pretty well I guess. I dunno.
Theres not that much going on right now. We're all nat john's house. I'm kinda bored. Fuck.